On Wednesday I wrote about how I was feeling during a low. Afterwards, I got home from a wonderful rehearsal where my two friends, without even realising it, reassured me that everything was ok, despite my belief I'd been a handful and therefore upset them the previous week. The next day I went to work and caught sight of myself in a mirror - puffy eyes, drained, pale skin - in short, I looked a mess. By 9.30 my manager called me into his office, asked me what was wrong, then sent me home. I didn't want to leave because, naturally, the depressive instinct was making me feel like I would be letting everyone down if I gave in, but I forced myself out of the door and headed home. It seemed that the depression had taken hold of me.
Much to my surprise, my boyfriend was still in bed - he has a terrible habit of oversleeping, but this meant I had instant reassurance and support and, after a few hours sleep, lunch in bed (he ended up working from home until about 2 or 3pm). We talked about me taking some meds and he confidently told me that
there was no way I needed to take them at this stage and that we needed
to give it longer rather than taking them after one bad day. I slept for a large proportion of Thursday and then set about sorting my head out. I received a lovely comment on my blog about my low self esteem and so forced myself to start thinking positively about life - I also received a lot of lovely comments and helpful things from friends. I was still a bit wobbly by the evening, but I would definitely say I was back up to 5 or 6 out of 10 on the confidence scale.
I also had a revelation about one of the possible reasons for this low - I've already mentioned my family and work, but on Thursday, I thought about my relationship. Over the summer we went to America and spent 3 weeks constantly together. Since returning, first I spent a week visiting my dad, then my boyfriend was working 'til 10pm most nights for a week, then he went away with the boys and I was rehearsing etc etc so we basically went from being together all the time to barely seeing each other and, unbeknownst to me, I'd been feeling a bit lonely. The worst thing about it is, I was probably the busier of us, so it was down to me that I was feeling this way. Anyway, now that I've figured it out I can see how silly I was being, but also, I can make a conscious effort to appreciate the time we do spend together because we're both working and both have busy lives and I can't expect to spend every waking moment with him, nor do I.
Yesterday I had a big work night out planned and, as I was feeling low, I decided that drinking wouldn't be an ideal situation however over the course of the day I had so many confidence boosts that I was pushing a 9.5 out of 10. It felt like everything about Friday was designed to make me feel amazing - almost entirely by chance about 3 or 4 colleagues went out of their way to thank me for something I hadn't even thought about during the day. Both of the people I thought I'd upset told me not to be so silly, my colleague who I thought was angry actually said "you know I can't be mad at you" and gave me a massive hug so I relaxed and had an amazing night out where, once again, I was given even more positive thoughts from people to thank me for organising a night out as well as for other random, little things I'd done, that had apparently made a big difference to people. I admit I had a few more drinks than I planned, but apart from becoming a mother hen about checking everyone got home safely, nothing untoward happened and I didn't find myself sobbing in the toilet. The boyfriend came and joined us and everyone had a fantastic night - I couldn't have thought of a better way to improve my self confidence! That said, usually if I drink when I'm struggling, the opposite occurs and, as I mentioned in the previous post, I suffer guilt and paranoia, so I wouldn't recommend to anyone that going out for drinks when you're on a low is a good idea!!
This morning I'm feeling so much more level. I think, in conclusion, I'm already feeling much better, but I need to remember I'm not out of the woods yet. Mind you, tomorrow I have a meeting again with the elderly gentleman I upset so lets hope that goes ok....but at least it's followed by a rehearsal and then the awards evening for the drama awards, so I can find out if I'm merely a nominated actress or an award winning actress!
Thank you for all of your support and well wishes, the smallest things make the biggest difference to someone who is struggling to cope and it's important that we remember this. I wouldn't have made it through this week without all the support and lovely comments from my friends so I hope you realise that you made a difference to my life.
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