On Wednesday I wrote about how I was feeling during a low. Afterwards, I got home from a wonderful rehearsal where my two friends, without even realising it, reassured me that everything was ok, despite my belief I'd been a handful and therefore upset them the previous week. The next day I went to work and caught sight of myself in a mirror - puffy eyes, drained, pale skin - in short, I looked a mess. By 9.30 my manager called me into his office, asked me what was wrong, then sent me home. I didn't want to leave because, naturally, the depressive instinct was making me feel like I would be letting everyone down if I gave in, but I forced myself out of the door and headed home. It seemed that the depression had taken hold of me.
Much to my surprise, my boyfriend was still in bed - he has a terrible habit of oversleeping, but this meant I had instant reassurance and support and, after a few hours sleep, lunch in bed (he ended up working from home until about 2 or 3pm). We talked about me taking some meds and he confidently told me that
there was no way I needed to take them at this stage and that we needed
to give it longer rather than taking them after one bad day. I slept for a large proportion of Thursday and then set about sorting my head out. I received a lovely comment on my blog about my low self esteem and so forced myself to start thinking positively about life - I also received a lot of lovely comments and helpful things from friends. I was still a bit wobbly by the evening, but I would definitely say I was back up to 5 or 6 out of 10 on the confidence scale.
I also had a revelation about one of the possible reasons for this low - I've already mentioned my family and work, but on Thursday, I thought about my relationship. Over the summer we went to America and spent 3 weeks constantly together. Since returning, first I spent a week visiting my dad, then my boyfriend was working 'til 10pm most nights for a week, then he went away with the boys and I was rehearsing etc etc so we basically went from being together all the time to barely seeing each other and, unbeknownst to me, I'd been feeling a bit lonely. The worst thing about it is, I was probably the busier of us, so it was down to me that I was feeling this way. Anyway, now that I've figured it out I can see how silly I was being, but also, I can make a conscious effort to appreciate the time we do spend together because we're both working and both have busy lives and I can't expect to spend every waking moment with him, nor do I.
Yesterday I had a big work night out planned and, as I was feeling low, I decided that drinking wouldn't be an ideal situation however over the course of the day I had so many confidence boosts that I was pushing a 9.5 out of 10. It felt like everything about Friday was designed to make me feel amazing - almost entirely by chance about 3 or 4 colleagues went out of their way to thank me for something I hadn't even thought about during the day. Both of the people I thought I'd upset told me not to be so silly, my colleague who I thought was angry actually said "you know I can't be mad at you" and gave me a massive hug so I relaxed and had an amazing night out where, once again, I was given even more positive thoughts from people to thank me for organising a night out as well as for other random, little things I'd done, that had apparently made a big difference to people. I admit I had a few more drinks than I planned, but apart from becoming a mother hen about checking everyone got home safely, nothing untoward happened and I didn't find myself sobbing in the toilet. The boyfriend came and joined us and everyone had a fantastic night - I couldn't have thought of a better way to improve my self confidence! That said, usually if I drink when I'm struggling, the opposite occurs and, as I mentioned in the previous post, I suffer guilt and paranoia, so I wouldn't recommend to anyone that going out for drinks when you're on a low is a good idea!!
This morning I'm feeling so much more level. I think, in conclusion, I'm already feeling much better, but I need to remember I'm not out of the woods yet. Mind you, tomorrow I have a meeting again with the elderly gentleman I upset so lets hope that goes ok....but at least it's followed by a rehearsal and then the awards evening for the drama awards, so I can find out if I'm merely a nominated actress or an award winning actress!
Thank you for all of your support and well wishes, the smallest things make the biggest difference to someone who is struggling to cope and it's important that we remember this. I wouldn't have made it through this week without all the support and lovely comments from my friends so I hope you realise that you made a difference to my life.
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
It's not always sunshine and roses.....
This is the first time I'm writing this blog in the midst of a low so please bear with me. In the interest of honesty I plan to tell you exactly how I feel, even though it may sound pathetic and self pitying to many of you.
I've been struggling to keep my head above the water since coming back from holiday; for some reason I've been finding it harder than usual to keep on tops of things. I honestly couldn't tell you why, but I've found myself staying in work till much later than usual on several occasions, which I've never had to do before.
In the last week or so I've gotten myself in a mess - I've said and done things I wish I could take back and right now I'd say, out of ten, my current self worth is around about 2 or 3. At this exact moment in time I feel as thought everybody probably thinks I'm selfish and rude, thoughtless and useless and I also feel they'd be perfectly justified in thinking so. There is a part of me fighting hard to overrule these feelings, but in all honesty, the negative is winning.
So lets explain where this is all coming from - it starts last Friday, when I went to a quiz night with my friends. I pretty much knew everyone there and it should have been a fun night, but instead I decided to get very, very drunk - much more so than anyone else. I also got very obnoxious and loud. When I got home, I fell asleep, but woke up in the night utterly convinced my boyfriend would hate me for being so drunk, my friends wouldn't ever want to speak to me again and that I'd ruined everything. The following day, my boyfriend had a giggle at my paranoia and I got on with things as usual, but on Sunday I managed to completely forget that I'd arranged to visit an elderly friend. By the time I remembered it was 10pm and I didn't want to call and disturb him, then on Monday I had an incredibly busy working day and so by the time I rang it was Tuesday and, although I apologised, I could hear both anger and disappointment in his voice, which left me feeling pretty crappy. Finally, on Tuesday night I happened to observe what I considered to be a funny moment after one too many drinks and, this morning, thoughtlessly decided to tell everyone about it. In my head it was just a funny story, but the people involved didn't want anyone to know about it. I just didn't think and caused a huge explosion of gossip that potentially hurt people. The worst thing was one of my friends telling me off and being angry at me, I just felt so crap. I actually feel like I lack the part that, for everyone else, tells them when something is inappropriate to say - I feel like I can't stop myself talking and it's only when people react that I realise that I shouldn't have said what I did.
So there you have it- this week, all I've done is upset people and let people down and offended people and been thoughtless and selfish.
When I look at things more deeply it makes me realise that I am overwhelmed by guilt and it's more than just the things that have happened this week. You see, I feel as though I'm not doing enough for my dad and that I'm letting him down. I feel like I ought to be visiting every month and calling every day, but I've not visited since mid August and I've not been able to get hold of him on the phone since then either so all I've managed is to text and speak to people around him. I know I can't continue to look after him because I can't cope when I try, but at the same time, not looking after him is making me feel so guilty. I want to call him, but then I get scared about what he might say, or I worry that he might shout at me or tell me I'm not doing enough. I know I need to try harder to call him, but I just can't face it.
I'm also feeling pretty crappy because I keep losing my voice - it's been husky since May and I finally went to the doctors to be referred to the ENT - for those of you who know me, you'll appreciate how unpleasant it is for me to be completely unable to sing. It makes me feel quite trapped because I can't say and do what I want, they way I want.
Part of me wonders if I ought to start taking anti depressants again because I am feeling an awful lot like I am not a good enough person to deserve to be happy, but I don't want to have to go through withdrawal again. I don't really know what to do, I'm feeling paranoid - today I started to think that everyone was pissed off with me for causing gossip and I was scared to go into the staffroom in case someone got angry with me and I'm pretty certain it was entirely in my head. I just want to curl up in a ball and not leave the house, but I know I have to go to rehearsal soon and then tomorrow be enthusiastic throughout my lessons.
I wish I could be more positive and optimistic, and I hope that this feeling is only temporary, but it has definitely been building for 3 weeks and it finally overwhelmed me today - I spent my drive home quietly sobbing, entirely out of self pity, which made me feel even more guilty and more upset because I do feel as though I deserve to be hated and that I am horrible, horrible person, even though I didn't mean to upset anyone. It's not a great feeling and I definitely don't want to let this overwhelm me.
Let me end on a different subject. I was talking to someone this week about the girl with BPD who tried to take my work to court and the person I was with decided that the most important piece of information was that the girl in question was depressed. The tone of her voice suggested that being depressed was just about the worst thing someone could be and that of course she'd cause trouble with a mental illness. Without thinking I responded with "I suffer from depression too" and tried to explain that the issue wasn't depression, it was her refusal to accept a diagnoses of BPD and seek treatment, however I was interrupted by the statement "but she's mental and your normal so it's ok". As you can imagine, this was not the best thing to say to me, but I decided to let it slide because they'd had one too many glasses of wine however it reminded me again of how important it is to raise the awareness of mental illness, because it's just unacceptable to me that someone would think that being depressed makes you a bad person, or in fact suffering from any mental illness - the mental illness isn't a problem, it's how you deal with it.
Anyway, I hope I can write a more positive post soon
x
I've been struggling to keep my head above the water since coming back from holiday; for some reason I've been finding it harder than usual to keep on tops of things. I honestly couldn't tell you why, but I've found myself staying in work till much later than usual on several occasions, which I've never had to do before.
In the last week or so I've gotten myself in a mess - I've said and done things I wish I could take back and right now I'd say, out of ten, my current self worth is around about 2 or 3. At this exact moment in time I feel as thought everybody probably thinks I'm selfish and rude, thoughtless and useless and I also feel they'd be perfectly justified in thinking so. There is a part of me fighting hard to overrule these feelings, but in all honesty, the negative is winning.
So lets explain where this is all coming from - it starts last Friday, when I went to a quiz night with my friends. I pretty much knew everyone there and it should have been a fun night, but instead I decided to get very, very drunk - much more so than anyone else. I also got very obnoxious and loud. When I got home, I fell asleep, but woke up in the night utterly convinced my boyfriend would hate me for being so drunk, my friends wouldn't ever want to speak to me again and that I'd ruined everything. The following day, my boyfriend had a giggle at my paranoia and I got on with things as usual, but on Sunday I managed to completely forget that I'd arranged to visit an elderly friend. By the time I remembered it was 10pm and I didn't want to call and disturb him, then on Monday I had an incredibly busy working day and so by the time I rang it was Tuesday and, although I apologised, I could hear both anger and disappointment in his voice, which left me feeling pretty crappy. Finally, on Tuesday night I happened to observe what I considered to be a funny moment after one too many drinks and, this morning, thoughtlessly decided to tell everyone about it. In my head it was just a funny story, but the people involved didn't want anyone to know about it. I just didn't think and caused a huge explosion of gossip that potentially hurt people. The worst thing was one of my friends telling me off and being angry at me, I just felt so crap. I actually feel like I lack the part that, for everyone else, tells them when something is inappropriate to say - I feel like I can't stop myself talking and it's only when people react that I realise that I shouldn't have said what I did.
So there you have it- this week, all I've done is upset people and let people down and offended people and been thoughtless and selfish.
When I look at things more deeply it makes me realise that I am overwhelmed by guilt and it's more than just the things that have happened this week. You see, I feel as though I'm not doing enough for my dad and that I'm letting him down. I feel like I ought to be visiting every month and calling every day, but I've not visited since mid August and I've not been able to get hold of him on the phone since then either so all I've managed is to text and speak to people around him. I know I can't continue to look after him because I can't cope when I try, but at the same time, not looking after him is making me feel so guilty. I want to call him, but then I get scared about what he might say, or I worry that he might shout at me or tell me I'm not doing enough. I know I need to try harder to call him, but I just can't face it.
I'm also feeling pretty crappy because I keep losing my voice - it's been husky since May and I finally went to the doctors to be referred to the ENT - for those of you who know me, you'll appreciate how unpleasant it is for me to be completely unable to sing. It makes me feel quite trapped because I can't say and do what I want, they way I want.
Part of me wonders if I ought to start taking anti depressants again because I am feeling an awful lot like I am not a good enough person to deserve to be happy, but I don't want to have to go through withdrawal again. I don't really know what to do, I'm feeling paranoid - today I started to think that everyone was pissed off with me for causing gossip and I was scared to go into the staffroom in case someone got angry with me and I'm pretty certain it was entirely in my head. I just want to curl up in a ball and not leave the house, but I know I have to go to rehearsal soon and then tomorrow be enthusiastic throughout my lessons.
I wish I could be more positive and optimistic, and I hope that this feeling is only temporary, but it has definitely been building for 3 weeks and it finally overwhelmed me today - I spent my drive home quietly sobbing, entirely out of self pity, which made me feel even more guilty and more upset because I do feel as though I deserve to be hated and that I am horrible, horrible person, even though I didn't mean to upset anyone. It's not a great feeling and I definitely don't want to let this overwhelm me.
Let me end on a different subject. I was talking to someone this week about the girl with BPD who tried to take my work to court and the person I was with decided that the most important piece of information was that the girl in question was depressed. The tone of her voice suggested that being depressed was just about the worst thing someone could be and that of course she'd cause trouble with a mental illness. Without thinking I responded with "I suffer from depression too" and tried to explain that the issue wasn't depression, it was her refusal to accept a diagnoses of BPD and seek treatment, however I was interrupted by the statement "but she's mental and your normal so it's ok". As you can imagine, this was not the best thing to say to me, but I decided to let it slide because they'd had one too many glasses of wine however it reminded me again of how important it is to raise the awareness of mental illness, because it's just unacceptable to me that someone would think that being depressed makes you a bad person, or in fact suffering from any mental illness - the mental illness isn't a problem, it's how you deal with it.
Anyway, I hope I can write a more positive post soon
x
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Touching Me....Touching You
When I was younger, my mum and dad used to always refer to me as 'the cuddley one' - they weren't referring to the fact that I had issues with a bit of puppy fat however. Supposedly, of the three of us, I was the one that always wanted to be in physical contact with my parents. As a youngster it was generally my mum, and I have been told that as a toddler I would throw tantrums if I couldn't get close enough to touch her (this seems weird to me now since my mum and I don't really get on and I can happily avoid seeing her for months at a time if at all possible).
It struck me this week that I am still a very tactile person and have a need to be in physical contact with people - my boyfriend often moans at me for being too public with my affection (in a light hearted way of course), but I honestly think that if I had more people I could feel safe being able to touch, I'd always be cuddling people. The problem I have is that the introvert in me doesn't feel at all comfortable hugging or touching people unless I am comfortable with them so I have this strange juxtaposition of a need to touch and a fear of touching.
Now, as I'm sure you all know, once anyone has had a few drinks, their inhibitions will drop and I guess I should consider myself lucky that no one has got angry or tried to take advantage as I do tend to become very touchy feely once I've had a few drinks, but it saddens me that for many people, men in particular, if a woman makes physical contact, they automatically assume that something more intimate will follow. I have a good, male friend who is also fairly tactile so at least I have a go-to safe person, but in all honesty I love a good cuddle, but I love my boyfriend and would never, ever cheat on him or do anything to hurt him because he is just so amazing.
Going back to a time before I met my lovely other half, I think a lot of the behaviour which I regret from my early twenties stems from a desire to have that physical contact I crave.
Something else just occurred to me - whenever I go out with my work friends, I always try to get my boyfriend to join us later in the night and he's generally too busy or has other plans and it's only just come to me why I like him to come out and that's because when he's there, I have someone to cuddle that isn't going to find me weird or isn't going to expect something I'm unwilling to give. Isn't that strange?
Anyway, it's hard work being a tactile introvert as you're left with two conflicting behaviour patterns, but at least having a boyfriend who understands me, I get the best of both worlds!
It struck me this week that I am still a very tactile person and have a need to be in physical contact with people - my boyfriend often moans at me for being too public with my affection (in a light hearted way of course), but I honestly think that if I had more people I could feel safe being able to touch, I'd always be cuddling people. The problem I have is that the introvert in me doesn't feel at all comfortable hugging or touching people unless I am comfortable with them so I have this strange juxtaposition of a need to touch and a fear of touching.
Now, as I'm sure you all know, once anyone has had a few drinks, their inhibitions will drop and I guess I should consider myself lucky that no one has got angry or tried to take advantage as I do tend to become very touchy feely once I've had a few drinks, but it saddens me that for many people, men in particular, if a woman makes physical contact, they automatically assume that something more intimate will follow. I have a good, male friend who is also fairly tactile so at least I have a go-to safe person, but in all honesty I love a good cuddle, but I love my boyfriend and would never, ever cheat on him or do anything to hurt him because he is just so amazing.
Going back to a time before I met my lovely other half, I think a lot of the behaviour which I regret from my early twenties stems from a desire to have that physical contact I crave.
Something else just occurred to me - whenever I go out with my work friends, I always try to get my boyfriend to join us later in the night and he's generally too busy or has other plans and it's only just come to me why I like him to come out and that's because when he's there, I have someone to cuddle that isn't going to find me weird or isn't going to expect something I'm unwilling to give. Isn't that strange?
Anyway, it's hard work being a tactile introvert as you're left with two conflicting behaviour patterns, but at least having a boyfriend who understands me, I get the best of both worlds!
Sunday, 1 September 2013
work....work....work
I've talked a lot about the negative sides of my life so I thought it was important to look at something positive. I must be in a small minority when I say this, but I can say with absolute honesty....I love my job! Although I love the summer holidays, I've been excited for the last week about going back - indeed I was in school for 3 days that I wasn't meant to be just to get started for the new year.
Now, that's not to say I don't get frustrated with work sometimes - as with any job, sometimes things don't run smoothly and you do get stressed and fed up, but overall, I wake up in the morning with a spring in my step, eager to get going.
So, my question is, why do people settle with jobs they don't like? I realise there is a lot of pressure to earn the right income and have the right lifestyle, but I'd rather forgo the large income if it left me feeling utterly despondent every working day of my life. Certainly for the last 18 months I've managed to get by saving £350 a month, and that was before I moved in with my partner.
Let's go back to my job - I'm a school teacher, which is a stressful job. Some people would be concerned that a person who suffers, as I do, with depression would not be able to cope in such a high maintenance environment, but for me, teaching is one of the great things that keeps the serotonin buzzing. I love the feeling that I have made a difference to someone's life and when you're teaching you can get that feeling every single day, as long as you approach the profession with the right attitude - no matter how down or depressed I'm feeling I make sure every lesson I teach is 'fun'. I've put fun in inverted commas, because I don't mean that every lesson is hands on, dirty, extravagant and crazy, but rather I try to promote an interest in the subject being taught whether it be turning fractions into decimals or queen Victoria's love for her husband - if you can pass on some of your own enthusiasm to the children then the learning follows naturally. It always amazes me when education ministers and so called 'experts' try to tell us that if all teachers follow their specific plans and rules then the children are bound to learn and yet no one up there ever seems to realise that it's not what you teach, it's how you teach it - if you are enthusiastic about teaching, your class will be enthusiastic about learning regardless of the topic. One of the things I often find is that a lot of children, and their parents, have a fear of maths that has come from that one teacher who didn't particularly like teaching maths and so made the whole lesson a labour when children move schools to us from somewhere else, so many of them almost feel like 'damaged goods' when it comes to maths; I see my role as, not to teach them, but to get them to enjoy the subject again - learning cannot occur if pupils aren't motivated to learn.
I sometimes feel like my most over used phrase in this blog is "I am lucky because...." but I want to use it again - I am lucky because our Senior Leadership Team are happy as long as the children are happy and successful learners. This allows us some freedom to approach teaching in more interesting ways - I have spent many a lovely afternoon with a class discussing a breaking news story or openly talking about their fears and dreams. We feel comfortable getting to know our children rather than worrying about getting the right results that make the school look good and, while the government made it a teaching cliche, we genuinely feel that every child matters, regardless of their age or ability. That's not to say all schools are like this and once again I do feel lucky to have a found a school that reflects my personal ethos and where I feel comfortable being myself- I am supported and all of the staff are amazing, I feel completely comfortable at work.
So anyway, while many people complain and grumble about their job, mine is both exhausting and exhilarating. People outside of education often mock us for our long holidays, but it's true to say that at the end of a 6 week half term, you need a break and at the end of a full term you could easily sleep for a week. When my non teaching friends get a week of work they don't seem to have the same 5 days of death, exhaustion and recovery that accompanies all teachers on their holidays.
There is one negative thing I can say about my job..... I don't think I could ever become part of the senior team because it means cutting back, or even stopping, actually teaching. I love being in the classroom and I feel like it's something I'm good at so I wouldn't want to give that up to feel as though my career is progressing. I recently chatted to an old Uni friend of mine, who is already a deputy head, but he was saying that he rarely spends time in front of a class and most of his time is spent worrying about being able to afford things and managing people, not to mention the mountains of paperwork. The negative side of teaching is that in order to 'progress' you have to stop doing what you're good at and so many of the best teachers don't spend enough time in a classroom. About ten years ago the Government at the time realised this and introduced a scheme called Advanced Skills Teachers, which had the goal of trying to keep the best teachers in the classroom, while allowing them to move up the payscale, but this was rapidly phased out when the next government took over. The newest scheme is that wages will be based on performance - in the past, after 7 years of teaching you could apply to go through threshold and leap up to a new payscale, but that has been scrapped as of this academic year....which is when I would have been eligible to apply (of course). So now the system is performance based, which on paper would be a good thing, but the cynic in me is well aware that most schools are desperately looking for ways to cut costs and being given the option to NOT increase wages must seem like a godsend! I know my employer won't use this as an excuse to keep wages lower, but it saddens me that many teachers may lose out; I guess if you look at the flip side of this, maybe many teachers were going through threshold that didn't deserve the pay hike and this may help resolve that.....who knows?
I'll leave you with one final note about working with children: children love their teachers unconditionally, they enter each day with adoration in their eyes, they hang off your every word. This can be an enormous boost to your self confidence, as long as you remember that the second the school year is over and they move on to a new teacher, you are merely a person from their past.
I love my job!
Now, that's not to say I don't get frustrated with work sometimes - as with any job, sometimes things don't run smoothly and you do get stressed and fed up, but overall, I wake up in the morning with a spring in my step, eager to get going.
So, my question is, why do people settle with jobs they don't like? I realise there is a lot of pressure to earn the right income and have the right lifestyle, but I'd rather forgo the large income if it left me feeling utterly despondent every working day of my life. Certainly for the last 18 months I've managed to get by saving £350 a month, and that was before I moved in with my partner.
Let's go back to my job - I'm a school teacher, which is a stressful job. Some people would be concerned that a person who suffers, as I do, with depression would not be able to cope in such a high maintenance environment, but for me, teaching is one of the great things that keeps the serotonin buzzing. I love the feeling that I have made a difference to someone's life and when you're teaching you can get that feeling every single day, as long as you approach the profession with the right attitude - no matter how down or depressed I'm feeling I make sure every lesson I teach is 'fun'. I've put fun in inverted commas, because I don't mean that every lesson is hands on, dirty, extravagant and crazy, but rather I try to promote an interest in the subject being taught whether it be turning fractions into decimals or queen Victoria's love for her husband - if you can pass on some of your own enthusiasm to the children then the learning follows naturally. It always amazes me when education ministers and so called 'experts' try to tell us that if all teachers follow their specific plans and rules then the children are bound to learn and yet no one up there ever seems to realise that it's not what you teach, it's how you teach it - if you are enthusiastic about teaching, your class will be enthusiastic about learning regardless of the topic. One of the things I often find is that a lot of children, and their parents, have a fear of maths that has come from that one teacher who didn't particularly like teaching maths and so made the whole lesson a labour when children move schools to us from somewhere else, so many of them almost feel like 'damaged goods' when it comes to maths; I see my role as, not to teach them, but to get them to enjoy the subject again - learning cannot occur if pupils aren't motivated to learn.
I sometimes feel like my most over used phrase in this blog is "I am lucky because...." but I want to use it again - I am lucky because our Senior Leadership Team are happy as long as the children are happy and successful learners. This allows us some freedom to approach teaching in more interesting ways - I have spent many a lovely afternoon with a class discussing a breaking news story or openly talking about their fears and dreams. We feel comfortable getting to know our children rather than worrying about getting the right results that make the school look good and, while the government made it a teaching cliche, we genuinely feel that every child matters, regardless of their age or ability. That's not to say all schools are like this and once again I do feel lucky to have a found a school that reflects my personal ethos and where I feel comfortable being myself- I am supported and all of the staff are amazing, I feel completely comfortable at work.
So anyway, while many people complain and grumble about their job, mine is both exhausting and exhilarating. People outside of education often mock us for our long holidays, but it's true to say that at the end of a 6 week half term, you need a break and at the end of a full term you could easily sleep for a week. When my non teaching friends get a week of work they don't seem to have the same 5 days of death, exhaustion and recovery that accompanies all teachers on their holidays.
There is one negative thing I can say about my job..... I don't think I could ever become part of the senior team because it means cutting back, or even stopping, actually teaching. I love being in the classroom and I feel like it's something I'm good at so I wouldn't want to give that up to feel as though my career is progressing. I recently chatted to an old Uni friend of mine, who is already a deputy head, but he was saying that he rarely spends time in front of a class and most of his time is spent worrying about being able to afford things and managing people, not to mention the mountains of paperwork. The negative side of teaching is that in order to 'progress' you have to stop doing what you're good at and so many of the best teachers don't spend enough time in a classroom. About ten years ago the Government at the time realised this and introduced a scheme called Advanced Skills Teachers, which had the goal of trying to keep the best teachers in the classroom, while allowing them to move up the payscale, but this was rapidly phased out when the next government took over. The newest scheme is that wages will be based on performance - in the past, after 7 years of teaching you could apply to go through threshold and leap up to a new payscale, but that has been scrapped as of this academic year....which is when I would have been eligible to apply (of course). So now the system is performance based, which on paper would be a good thing, but the cynic in me is well aware that most schools are desperately looking for ways to cut costs and being given the option to NOT increase wages must seem like a godsend! I know my employer won't use this as an excuse to keep wages lower, but it saddens me that many teachers may lose out; I guess if you look at the flip side of this, maybe many teachers were going through threshold that didn't deserve the pay hike and this may help resolve that.....who knows?
I'll leave you with one final note about working with children: children love their teachers unconditionally, they enter each day with adoration in their eyes, they hang off your every word. This can be an enormous boost to your self confidence, as long as you remember that the second the school year is over and they move on to a new teacher, you are merely a person from their past.
I love my job!
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