Another year has gone. Six months without a post. I've been rather pleased with myself because I have had some pretty stressful times and have coped really well.....or at least so I thought. As usual, I'd been bottling everything up and so a couple of weeks ago, I exploded.
Let me set the scene.....I'd had a busy (read 'very stressful') couple of weeks at work and was looking forward to having a couple of drinks on the Friday (but not too many as it was a party hosted by clients from work). As I arrived at the party venue my phone rang, it was the nursing home who wanted to let me know that dad was 'not well'. They explained that they had called a doctor in to see if there was any sign of a urine or chest infection (bearing in mind, near the end of last year, they told me that a chest infection could kill him), but that there was no evidence to suggest he had either. Having said that, he was no longer able to feed himself and struggled to get out of bed because he was so weak. Their theory: he's just getting sicker, which was what we were told to expect would happen eventually, but not something we thought would happen soon.
Perfect....just what I needed on top of being exhausted and stressed. I dutifully informed my sister and my aunt, but didn't say anything to my brother since I knew he was, at that moment, out in the pub with my boyfriend and looking forward to a nice, relaxing night and I didn't want to ruin it for him. Then I headed in to the party, determined to have a nice night and not worry about it until the morning.
Fortunately, I had a wonderful time at the party, everything was lovely and the only downside was that I had a few too many glasses of Prosecco - there is something very pleasant about attending a party where a large majority of the guests want to tell you how great you are, but I still had underlying stress and anxiety bubbling away under the surface and that kicked in when I got home.
I had asked my brother to grab me some food on his way home because I was really hungry and when they got back, he and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to tell me they'd got food when they hadn't really. Annoying, true, but not really enough to justify the screaming, hissy rant that followed - I've been told I called them both c**ts repeatedly and screamed - I know I threw a few things and smashed a bottle and then I collapsed in the kitchen sobbing. Good.....Between sobs I was able to explain to my boyfriend about the phone call from the home and he was very understanding, but, in all honesty, it freaked me out that I could over react like that - I can only assume it was a combination of stress + more stress + alcohol, but, just for a few minutes, I really hated myself, more then I could imagine and I realised I'd been bottling up AGAIN. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep convincing myself everything is ok and then let it build up so much?
Moving on, I've been given omeprazole as part of my treatment for my voice problems as there is evidence I have acid reflux - when my course ran out, the doctor gave me one month more and then said that if the reflux is still a problem when it runs out, I have to pop in to have an appointment made in the hospital...sounds very routine. Unfortunately, about a week after this, a friend of mine met me for dinner and mentioned having the EXACT SAME procedure and how awful it was and how she wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy....not her fault, she didn't know I was just about to go through it myself, but not exactly reassuring. As a side note, I've also been told I have to provide a stool sample - have you ever had to do one? Seriously, they've given me the smallest little plastic pot in the history of pots and want me to put my poo in it?? WTF?! Anyway, hopefully it's all nothing, but it's quite scary to hear a doctor say "you might have a stomach ulcer or something more serious" I'm not even 31 yet FFS!
Fortunately, I was really lucky this week to have my application accepted on a course run by Raspberry Pi in Cambridge and I can honestly say, it was the best 2 days of training in my life! I cannot explain how much fun I had and how great it was to work with such a wonderful group of people - at no point did I feel bored, or patronised - everything was pitched just right and we were all entertained by both the hosts at the Raspberry Pi Foundation and by the other people there with me - what a fantastic bunch. I can't wait to start trying out all that I've learned.
Tomorrow, I head to Cornwall to see how dad is - my aunt has been visiting him recently and I've been told he's pretty unwell, which scares me and I'm foolishly going down mid-week so will be completely alone, but at least I know my boyfriend is only a phone call away so if things are bad he'll do what he can. I'm terrified that this might be the last time I see my dad, even though I know we've had it before when we've been told this is possibly the end and so part of me is convinced everything will be fine, but the other part of me can't stop worrying.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day and at least I have the long summer holiday to look forward too.
Thanks for reading.
x
