This is the first time I'm writing this blog in the midst of a low so please bear with me. In the interest of honesty I plan to tell you exactly how I feel, even though it may sound pathetic and self pitying to many of you.
I've been struggling to keep my head above the water since coming back from holiday; for some reason I've been finding it harder than usual to keep on tops of things. I honestly couldn't tell you why, but I've found myself staying in work till much later than usual on several occasions, which I've never had to do before.
In the last week or so I've gotten myself in a mess - I've said and done things I wish I could take back and right now I'd say, out of ten, my current self worth is around about 2 or 3. At this exact moment in time I feel as thought everybody probably thinks I'm selfish and rude, thoughtless and useless and I also feel they'd be perfectly justified in thinking so. There is a part of me fighting hard to overrule these feelings, but in all honesty, the negative is winning.
So lets explain where this is all coming from - it starts last Friday, when I went to a quiz night with my friends. I pretty much knew everyone there and it should have been a fun night, but instead I decided to get very, very drunk - much more so than anyone else. I also got very obnoxious and loud. When I got home, I fell asleep, but woke up in the night utterly convinced my boyfriend would hate me for being so drunk, my friends wouldn't ever want to speak to me again and that I'd ruined everything. The following day, my boyfriend had a giggle at my paranoia and I got on with things as usual, but on Sunday I managed to completely forget that I'd arranged to visit an elderly friend. By the time I remembered it was 10pm and I didn't want to call and disturb him, then on Monday I had an incredibly busy working day and so by the time I rang it was Tuesday and, although I apologised, I could hear both anger and disappointment in his voice, which left me feeling pretty crappy. Finally, on Tuesday night I happened to observe what I considered to be a funny moment after one too many drinks and, this morning, thoughtlessly decided to tell everyone about it. In my head it was just a funny story, but the people involved didn't want anyone to know about it. I just didn't think and caused a huge explosion of gossip that potentially hurt people. The worst thing was one of my friends telling me off and being angry at me, I just felt so crap. I actually feel like I lack the part that, for everyone else, tells them when something is inappropriate to say - I feel like I can't stop myself talking and it's only when people react that I realise that I shouldn't have said what I did.
So there you have it- this week, all I've done is upset people and let people down and offended people and been thoughtless and selfish.
When I look at things more deeply it makes me realise that I am overwhelmed by guilt and it's more than just the things that have happened this week. You see, I feel as though I'm not doing enough for my dad and that I'm letting him down. I feel like I ought to be visiting every month and calling every day, but I've not visited since mid August and I've not been able to get hold of him on the phone since then either so all I've managed is to text and speak to people around him. I know I can't continue to look after him because I can't cope when I try, but at the same time, not looking after him is making me feel so guilty. I want to call him, but then I get scared about what he might say, or I worry that he might shout at me or tell me I'm not doing enough. I know I need to try harder to call him, but I just can't face it.
I'm also feeling pretty crappy because I keep losing my voice - it's been husky since May and I finally went to the doctors to be referred to the ENT - for those of you who know me, you'll appreciate how unpleasant it is for me to be completely unable to sing. It makes me feel quite trapped because I can't say and do what I want, they way I want.
Part of me wonders if I ought to start taking anti depressants again because I am feeling an awful lot like I am not a good enough person to deserve to be happy, but I don't want to have to go through withdrawal again. I don't really know what to do, I'm feeling paranoid - today I started to think that everyone was pissed off with me for causing gossip and I was scared to go into the staffroom in case someone got angry with me and I'm pretty certain it was entirely in my head. I just want to curl up in a ball and not leave the house, but I know I have to go to rehearsal soon and then tomorrow be enthusiastic throughout my lessons.
I wish I could be more positive and optimistic, and I hope that this feeling is only temporary, but it has definitely been building for 3 weeks and it finally overwhelmed me today - I spent my drive home quietly sobbing, entirely out of self pity, which made me feel even more guilty and more upset because I do feel as though I deserve to be hated and that I am horrible, horrible person, even though I didn't mean to upset anyone. It's not a great feeling and I definitely don't want to let this overwhelm me.
Let me end on a different subject. I was talking to someone this week about the girl with BPD who tried to take my work to court and the person I was with decided that the most important piece of information was that the girl in question was depressed. The tone of her voice suggested that being depressed was just about the worst thing someone could be and that of course she'd cause trouble with a mental illness. Without thinking I responded with "I suffer from depression too" and tried to explain that the issue wasn't depression, it was her refusal to accept a diagnoses of BPD and seek treatment, however I was interrupted by the statement "but she's mental and your normal so it's ok". As you can imagine, this was not the best thing to say to me, but I decided to let it slide because they'd had one too many glasses of wine however it reminded me again of how important it is to raise the awareness of mental illness, because it's just unacceptable to me that someone would think that being depressed makes you a bad person, or in fact suffering from any mental illness - the mental illness isn't a problem, it's how you deal with it.
Anyway, I hope I can write a more positive post soon
x
I think as a general rule one should never feel guilty about things one can't do and never too guilty about the things one does by accident or mistake.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't do something then you can't do it. It isn't your choice so there is no sense feeling guilty about it.
An accident or mistake might be your fault if you feel your were careless or something but it still wasn't anything you intended so if there is nothing to be learned from it then you've got to just let it go.
It feels like your single biggest problem is the guilt and low self-esteem. Seems like the low self-esteem leads you to depend on others opinions to prop up your sense of self-worth since you're getting no support for yourself from yourself. That combined with the fact your mouth and social decisions at times get you into trouble out of the blue makes social interactions far more stressful than they should be. That then forms a vicious circle because your nerves in social situations affect your decision making and cause you to say and do things that you regret which increases your guilt and lowers your self-esteem.
I wonder, do you practice thinking about yourself in a positive fashion? Not just saying empty positive things in your head, since you probably won't listen, but really thinking properly about all the things you've done, the challenges you've overcome, the good decisions you've made, the things you've been through and coped well with and all the other things you can be proud of. Think about how you did things and why. Here is one to start off with since you're a maths teacher and good at your job, how many children have you taught over the years? Think of all those lives you've touched and improved with your skills and how your work will have changed their futures for the better. I find setting off positive complex trains of thoughts like that is one of the best things that I can do to improve my self-esteem.