Totally Alone

I want to start with a thank you for all of the support and lovely messages I have received this weekend - quite alone from the cathartic affect of getting things off my chest, it has been a real positive boost, however, the really special thing for me have been those people who have sent me a private message to let me know that they too have been suffering from depression and my being open and honest has helped them to cope. This has made me feel like I have made the right decision.

I want to talk about two things now - one of the things that led to my becoming more open about my illness and secondly, what I feel to be one of the most difficult, but common symptoms that I struggle with.

I'll start with something that happened a couple of years ago in my work place - I won't go into too much detail, but merely summarise the bits that affected me: a colleague of mine, who I was friends with, made a number of accusations towards my work place, one of which was that they were not supportive of people with mental illness. As you may have read in my previous post, I feel I am incredibly fortunate with the high level of support I have received from both my employer and my colleagues so this accusation made me a little bit angry. The upshot of the case was that one medical professional felt that this colleague was suffering from borderline personality disorder, but she refuted this and felt that all of her claims were true and that she was suffering from depression and was not supported. Earlier this year it was hauled before a tribunal where I found myself standing up in front of some of my colleagues, my employer and 3 judges to talk about my mental illness. What saddens me is that it is very probable that the colleague making accusations does suffer from BPD, and with treatment she could have moved on and dealt with things, but she obviously didn't want to accept the stigma that comes from having a serious mental problem. Her refusal to accept this diagnosis, however, caused so much stress and anxiety to the people around her, as well as costing both my employer and her parents a significant amount of money. The case led me to realise two things: firstly, I need to be more open about my own issues, and secondly, people need to understand mental illness better. It's still taken me 6 months to build up the courage to talk about it myself, but if more people can understand mental illness then maybe they can help themselves and each other more effectively.

Ok, so moving on from that, I want to talk about the title of this post. There is a song by The Offspring which contains the lyric "have you ever walked through a room, but it was more like the room passed around you". When I first heard this, I was about 15, but I immediately felt like I knew what they were talking about. That feeling of being surrounded by people, but that you are not connecting or communicating with them in any way. I get that feeling a lot.....for a number of years I secretly avoided going in the staff room at work because I just became overwhelmed by all the conversations going on around me - it felt like everyone was talking, but I was in no way able to join in any conversation. I feel like an outsider, separate from the group. This may surprise many of you who would see me as someone who is always comfortable and confident in a crowd, but those of you who know me well won't be surprised to learn that it is all a cover - the louder I am, the more terrified and lonely I am. If I don't know people I will desperately try to feel like I belong by forcing myself into conversations, often appearing rude or pushy, but it is all a coping strategy because deep down inside I feel like I'm not good enough to be part of this group. Even now, in work, while I try to go into the staff room as often as possible, I often feel separate and as though I'm watching everyone else as an outsider. I'd like to be clear that this is no reflection on my colleagues, who are the most wonderful, kind and inclusive bunch of people you could ever work with! They're certainly not leaving me out, in fact, I suspect it is I who withdraws from the conversation or lacks the ability to join in unless specifically invited, but it remains the case that in daily life I often feel like I am totally alone even when surrounded by people who I care about and who I know care about me. It is a strange feeling, which I know is common among we depressives as it is one that is often expressed to me by people I have talked to who suffer from depression themselves. To someone who doesn't suffer from depression, it must be a completely alien concept as, even writing it down, it seems strange to say. To people who do have this illness, I want you to know something which has taken me a while to understand......it's your illness talking, you are not an outsider and people do care. Maybe some groups of people do unconsciously make you feel like an outsider, but if that is the case then you need to find the group of people that don't make you feel that way. People do care, they just don't always know how to show it.

I do want to mention something else, however, that occurred after the court case - my colleagues, as a whole, were very supportive, one friend in particular, though, suddenly started treating me as though I was some sort of fragile being that needed special care, which put a strain on our friendship and I have had to work hard to help him realise that I don't need that. A depressed person doesn't need special treatment, we need to be treated like we're human beings, although emphasis on the positive aspects of our lives doesn't hurt ;)

Anyway, thank you again

x