Overcoming the fear

Sometimes I find it really difficult to leave the house. Even when I'm meeting my friends for a lovely lunch, I tend to arrive late for fear of them not really being there and it all being in my head or something. I mean, I KNOW that they will be there, but something holds me back and I leave just a little bit later than I ought to so that I know I won't be sat on my own like an idiot. It's strange, because I know when I was younger I was always early for everything - maybe that's where it stems from - a childhood and teenage years sat around waiting for other people being late. It must really annoy my friends, it annoys me because actually I want to be early, or at the very least, on time, but I can't seem to make myself leave. It doesn't help that my other half is perpetually late for everything and therefore encourages me to be even later. The thing is, when he is with me, I'm perfectly capable of leaving on time because I have the reassurance of another body, someone to look after me (yes I am lame enough to admit that having boyfriend handy does make me feel safe and secure) so I want to leave and get there on time/early, but then he drags his heels and makes me late. This means that people believe that I am always late for things......

You may also have noticed that I don't answer my phone....my ex flatmate once rang me in a panic because I'd called him about something and he thought it must be an emergency because I'd actually rang him (I was a bit worried that someone might have passed out in the shower because it kept turning itself on and off - turned out someone had left the shower on and gone out). I can think of two people I will ring and feel comfortable about it - my boyfriend and my sister. It's funny that my sister should be on the list since for the first 28 years of my life we didn't really get on at all and it's only in the last two years that we've become close enough to have a phone chat maybe once a week. I'd say this relationship has developed from a combination of dealing with our dad and my complete and utter adoration of my nieces, but at least we now talk. If anyone else calls me, there is a high chance I will see/hear the phone ring and will not answer. I'm not sure why this would be, I just don't feel comfortable talking on the phone. I'm quite happy to have a text conversation, but I don't like talking. Maybe it's because, if I'm talking to someone, I like to see their facial expressions, but I don't really know. The worst situation for me is calling a complete stranger, for example a bank or to order food - in this, internet ordering has saved my life. I will almost always pass the buck and get someone else to make the phone call if it is required. I mean, it's also true that I have a tendency to leave my phone in another room and not hear it ring, but sometimes I just don't feel 'safe' enough to talk. Please don't be insulted if this is the case, I promise it is not just you that I avoid talking to.

I don't know whether these things are a symptom of depression, a sign that I might also suffer anxiety or simply an indicator that I'm an introvert and like to keep to myself, but it's one of those things that goes through my weird and wonderful mind that I wanted to share with you all.