A Reason to Feel Sad

Today I have only cried three times. This, I consider a success.

I've just come back from Cornwall and it wasn't the most fun trip I've ever had- a few weeks ago my dad lost his ability to move his hands or arms completely. Since I last visited 4 weeks ago he has regained a bit of movement. He had a CT scan last week which showed nothing on his brain, but he refused to have an MRI scan at the time because he said it would make him too anxious so now he has to go back so they can see if there is a tumour or anything on his spinal cord. When I visited 4 weeks ago, both his hands were swollen, but this time only his right hand was-it was all puffed up like someone had filled it with air.

The care home tried a precautionary measure of giving him steroids in case there was a build up of fluids, but all this did was make him angry and cause a bit of steroid rage, but didn't help his movement. So no one knows what's going on. What really scared me was that in the space of 4 weeks he's gone from being mostly fine to struggling to maintain a conversation, tailing off and forgetting things. It's horrible and what's even worse is he could die in the next few weeks or else he could carry on for months or years, miserable.


Anyway, I'm struggling a little bit right now, but at least there is a reason behind it - I feel hopeless and lost, sad and alone, but I also feel grateful and lucky. Why these last two? My friends. My boyfriend. The people I surround myself with that make the pain and the strain that little bit easier. Without them, I don't know how I would have coped with everything that has been going on. For them I am so so grateful and thankful.

Always.